Hello, it’s me, The Blog Complainer and welcome to my rant on ten very “special” movies and more that made me question humanity. If you haven’t checked out my best of the year list you should definitely read that instead of this rubbish.

The rules are: I need to not like the movies enough that I would want to inject lead into my veins.  I need to have seen the movie because if I haven’t then I must have been sane enough to miss it.  Finally if you have your own list of movies you don’t like then leave a comment and enjoy me remembering the traumatic experiences I had watching the following films.

Dis-Honourable Mentions

Let’s get this straight, I don’t like any of these movies, but they’re not horrible enough to make it onto the main list, so in no particular order:

• Escape Room: An interesting concept sure, but everything else stunk!
• Glass and Brightburn: Two disappointing superhero films that I was legitimately excited to see, but all they proved is that I shouldn’t get excited for anything.
• Velvet Buzzsaw:  Not even a great performance from Jake Gyllenhaal could save this trash. Though I did enjoy the hilariously stupid deaths and it reminded me of Wish Upon.
• Lady and The Tramp and Noelle: I couldn’t finish Noelle because of how much it reminded me of the stupid Lady and The Tramp remake.
• Charlie’s Angels: I wasn’t expecting much going in and I got exactly what I thought. Glad I paid money for this!

Alright, let’s get this over and done with.

Number 10

Gemini Man

I was actually excited to see Gemini Man because it looked so bad, but even that disappointed. Apparently it’s been in development hell for ages and you can tell. It’s a mix of an Ang Lee movie and the studio interfering to make it more of a typical boring action movie. It’s a mess as it’s either too serious or it’s really goofy, which is a shame because the more sillier moments were the highlights. The selling point is quite hilarious as they de-age clone Will Smith and treat this as if Star Wars and Marvel hadn’t done it three years earlier.

Number 9

After

I decided to see a movie based on One Direction fan-fiction. What was I expecting?

I kind of wish I’d reviewed it because it’s such a stupid movie. Our two leads have zero chemistry and since this movie is for young teenagers everything is super tame. There is alot of melodrama and you don’t care about what’s happening making it feel like it should have been aired on normal TV at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I honestly can’t rant on for too long about this as I don’t really remember it, nor do I feel like remembering it. The point is studios should learn to stop adapting fan fiction. Wait, this is getting a sequel!

Number 8

X-Men: Dark Phoenix

I only really put this on here because I find it hilarious that this is the second time they’ve adapted this iconic storyline from the comics and after nine years of telling us they’re going to get to it right this time, they blew it! It’s even worse than X-Men: The Last Stand. I actually watched The Last Stand not too long ago and despite how silly it can be there are still plenty of good moments within the movie, unlike this new film where I could have easily slept through the whole Phoenix saga and felt like I hadn’t missed a thing. If I was no longer invested then I can definitely understand why many found this so disappointing.

Number 7

47 Meters Down Uncaged

I was going to review the first movie for Horrid Horrors, but it was actually kind of decent. A week later I saw the new movie and it felt like a crappy straight to DVD flick. I’m not sure why it’s called 47 meters down as you never know the depth level and there isn’t a cage because they’re in a cave, not the ocean. The sharks in this series I refer to as troll sharks as they’re always teasing their prey instead of just eating them and now they’re blind! All that means is they’re bigger trolls! At least it had the most epic ending of the year. I just wish the movie had more of that.

Number 6

Cats

I have a strange relationship with Cats. It was easily the hardest movie to place on this list as I didn’t like it but I think I also kind of love it. Every choice made for this movie completely baffles me and I’m still convinced that the people behind Cats are super aliens from another galaxy who have a completely different taste in what they like in movies. Still it’s such a poorly made movie that the humour of it is that it’s real and everyone associated with it will have to live with the embarrassment of being part of this strange and terrible movie. I really hope it gains enough of a following that there are late night screenings for people dressing up in full body cat suits or something.

I’m not looking forward to unveiling these final five as I absolutely despised all of these movies, but without further ado…

Number 5

Polar

Polar is one of the worst action movies of the year! It’s trying so hard to be John Wick with it’s torn ultimate badass and how colourful the movie looks, but the movie keeps jumping between a gritty serious drama and a Saturday morning cartoon with it’s reject Suicide Squad villains. It’s such an incompetent movie with it’s very messy plot and poorly written characters that I found it hard to find any real enjoyment out of it.

Number 4

Dumbo, Aladdin & The Lion King (2019)

I could have easily placed these movies throughout my list, but I hated them so much that I wanted to get them all out of the way together. What all these movies have in common is that they were made with zero love or care and as a result they feel like a soulless cynical cash grab compared to their well beloved predecessors. Dumbo is probably the least terrible as it feels more like a crappy Disney+ kids movie while the other two do their absolute best to take scenes, moments, songs and characters you loved from those older movies and completely butcher everything that made them so great to begin with. Urgh! Thinking about these movies again is making me sick, let’s just move on to to number 3!

Number 3

Sextuplets

Oh, God! Sextuplets I watched to complete a quota I had for the post it’s in and boy did I regret that. This is easily the unfunniest comedy I saw all year and maybe in my entire life!!! Marlon Wayans really wanted it to be the next Jack and Jill with his five obnoxiously annoying sibling characters. This went straight to Netflix and it annoys me that a terrible racist comedy like this gets to hang out with outstanding movies like The Irishman or Dolemite is My Name. This should have been slapped on to Tubi as it’s free and there are plenty of other average to terrible movies on there and also then I wouldn’t have had to watch it!

 Number 2

Hellboy (2019)

Surprisingly X-Men isn’t the worst superhero movie of the year. Nah, Hellboy (2019), which is quite a mess, beat it to the punch three months earlier. It doesn’t know if it wants to copy Marvel or Guillermo’s Hellboy movies or if wants it’s violence to be more over the top than Deadpool. In retrospect, Hellboy is a disgusting looking blur with it’s horrendous CGI, pointless characters and generic plot. It’s so bad that whatever good did come out of it is overshadowed by this ugly blur. I have zero interest in ever watching it again.

Hellboy was really bad, but our final movie was so unrelentingly terrible that I am repulsed to even mention it in this post. No need for a drumroll, let’s just get this out of the way, so we can move on and forget about this travesty.

Number 1

The Haunting of Sharon Tate

Eeck! After seeing this film I just knew it would take the cake as the thing I most wanted to throw in a furnace so no one else would suffer the same torture I had to sit through. This movie had everything I don’t like about horror movies: jump scares because scaring people is too hard, bad acting, characters you want to see get horribly murdered and DREAM SEQUENCES! But the biggest insult is that the movie hopes your familiarity with the real life tragic events will make their crappy movie better which I think is disrespectful and pathetic! Now the director is making a similar movie about OJ Simpson’s wife. I’m done, go read the review if you want to see a further rant!

That’s it. Stay tuned for some more fun posts I have planned for January. In the meantime check out Letterboxd for where every movie I didn’t mention ranked on my overall list. As more movies become available the lists may change and I’ll be sure to mention that in my posts or on Twitter. I have been the Blog Complainer, signing out.

Letterboxd 2019 Movie Ranking List