Spoilers for anything Star Wars Related
It’s Star Wars fever this month as the apparent final movie is creeping around the corner. I have been quite harsh to Star Wars since I started this site but I should note that I am a huge fan of the first six movies as they’re a massive part of my childhood.
I noticed a fair amount of you enjoyed it when I rewrote the last two seasons of Game of Thrones. So in honour of Rise of Skywalker I will dedicate my time to rewriting everything I didn’t like about the Sequel Trilogy, but I also like making things needlessly complicated so we’re starting at the prequels and working our way through.
I think I’m one of the few people who actually likes the prequels. They are pretty terrible but I like them enough that I can find enjoyment from calling them out whenever some bad decision was made by Lucas or whenever something doesn’t make any sense. Just look at it this way, when the prequels mess up it’s somewhat cute because it isn’t aware of why it messed up, but when Disney’s Star Wars messes up they look completely incompetent and all you can do is frown.
As always this is all just for fun and I hope you’ll have as much fun as I did creating this. Let’s get started with The Blog Complainer’s Star Wars Prequel Trilogy.
The Phantom Menace
The first major change is Dooku sends Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi to talk it out with the Viceroy instead of Chancellor Valorum. Queen Amidala places a distress call that The Trade Federation has formed a blockade around the planet. Valorum is busy with his own problems, dealing with weapon and fuel cargo ships being robbed by space bandits, so Dooku is the one to take charge.
I probably should explain that in my version Dooku is not a Count, but the leader of The Jedi Council, hand-picked by his master, Yoda. Dooku calls all of the shots basically. He is also in league with the Viceroy and is the one conversing with him instead of Palpatine. We have a scene of Obi-Wan telling Qui-Gon that Mace Windu has always been suspicious of Dooku, but Qui-Gon trusts his master very much. Next scene he’s doing something suspicious. Boom! We have our Darth Vader villain for this trilogy.
Dooku wants the Viceroy to talk to the Jedi to get them to help convince the Queen to sign a treaty that will make taking over the planet and taking their food supplies free and legal. Unfortunately the Viceroy gets cold feet because he heard rumours that Jedi Knights can turn your words against you and they do that by reading your mind, so he gases the room instead. The Jedi use those breathalyzer things to deal with the gas. Qui-Gon cuts through the door but is ambushed by Super Battle Droids and eventually Droidekas. The Jedi have an intense action scene and they escape onto an observation ship.
This observation ship lands on the other side on the planet in the swamplands while the droid army lands right outside the palace because, why wouldn’t they! We meet Queen Amidala and little do we know we’re watching the decoy Queen converse with the Viceroy. Not having the Jedi to help him out really backfires on him as she just finds him a bit irritating. He sends the Queen, her handmaidens, advisors and guards into the dungeons. Meanwhile the two Jedi save Jar Jar Binks from some Battle Droids. Oh yes, he’s in my version, but don’t worry he plays a much smaller part! He takes them to Gunga City and helps them escape one stupid fish while in the planet core.
The Jedi sneak into the palace and break the Queen out of the dungeon. They set off an alarm and it’s a struggle to escape to the hanger bay. Sio Bibble is killed in the process. They get to the Queen’s ship and face the blockade with a couple of starfighters. There is no R2-D2 to help them out in my version so none of the fighters survive but the main ship escapes with a damaged hyperdrive. Meanwhile Dooku is mad at the Viceroy for going behind his back and trying to kill the Jedi. He then introduces his new apprentice Darth Maul who will bring back the escaped Queen.
They’re on their way to Tatooine and Obi-Wan gets acquainted with the young girl cleaning the busted droids, Padme. Once they arrive on Tatooine Qui-Gon, Padme and Obi-Wan go into Mos Eisley to look for a junk dealer. They spend most of the day questioning different dealers until they learn that only Watto has the part they need. Qui-Gon meets with the greedy dealer who isn’t swayed by his fancy republic credits.
Now here is where Padme meets a 14 year old Anakin Skywalker. (Meaning he won’t be played by Jake Lloyd!) The two seem to find an instant connection with each other. When Obi-Wan comes in he gets the feeling Anakin isn’t just an ordinary boy. It’s getting late and the sandstorms are very rough. Anakin’s 23 year old step brother, Owen Lars, is hanging around Watto’s shop waiting to pick up his annoying little brother. Anakin begs Owen to let the people he just met come home with them. Owen reluctantly agrees.
They go to the Lars Farm where they meet Shmi Skywalker and Owen’s father. (At this point Owen doesn’t have a girlfriend.) Anakin takes Padme to look at a little malfunctioning flying droid that he’s been working on because Anakin creating C-3PO is just the stupidest thing in this entire series. He also shares with her his flying passion Years ago Lars senior entered a bet with Watto and lost to him very badly. They have been indebted to him ever since, have been giving him over half of their profits and Anakin has been working in his shop for free. Anakin pretty much sees Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan as a chance to be finally free himself of Watto’s grasp.
Anakin agrees to win the podrace and pay for the part they need. Qui-Gon and Shmi talk about how special Anakin is. Shmi does not remember Anakin’s father or if he was even real. Later on Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan have a talk about Anakin and only Obi-Wan senses there is darkness within him. Meanwhile Darth Maul arrives on Tatooine. On podrace day Qui-Gon makes a secret bet with Watto to take Anakin off his hands. The podrace sequence is exactly the same except a little bit shorter. Anakin wins and Watto loses the bet.
They sell the pod giving Shmi and Lars enough money to survive. Anakin says goodbye to his family and promises to return someday. The deleted scene of Anakin and Qui-Gon spotting the probe droid is in my version. Anakin gets stuck between the lightsaber fight of Qui-Gon and Maul. Obi-Wan jumps off the ship to rescue Anakin while Qui-Gon holds him off. Maul easily overpowers Qui-Gon and stabs him straight through the chest. Obi-Wan and Anakin are devastated as the ship flies away to safety.
We get the same touching scene with Padme and Anakin, but it starts with Anakin catching Padme watching a video of Battle Droids pushing around innocent civilians. We reach Coruscant and in my version it will be much more condensed so we can get out of here as soon as possible. Starting with the big Council scene Valorum is still unconcerned about the blockade as it doesn’t seem that serious. That’s when Amidala reveals the video and proclaims no confidence in Chancellor Valorum.
Obi-Wan visits the Jedi Temple where he tells Dooku of his apprentice’s demise and the reintroduction of the Sith. Mace Windu and Yoda test Anakin. Windu is against training the boy, while Dooku sees some use in him and all Yoda can think about is the darkness within him. Obi-Wan vouches for Anakin and we see Ewan McGregor put his heart into it. Dooku declares the Council will have a vote.
Windu gives Obi-Wan the task of returning to Naboo with the Queen and learning more about the Sith. Windu assigns two Jedi to help, an old Jedi master called Long Neck and his own reckless apprentice Matt. (Hey I’m not the best at coming up with cool names!) The Jedi join the Queen on an enemy observation ship similar to earlier. Obi-Wan will meditate with Long Neck who gives some sage advice and Anakin gets acquainted with Matt.
They land in the swamps where Obi-Wan takes Matt to find Jar Jar. Jar Jar takes them to the Gungan’s hideout. We learn the Gungans were all evicted from their homes by the droid army. Padme reveals she is the Queen and Boss Nass agrees to help them retake the planet. My battle is quite different. The Gungans will still drag the droids out of the city leaving only the Battle Droids at the palace. The twist is that each droid is set with a charge that when destroyed it will blow up a random building in the city. So the Naboo forces have to bring in taser bats so they can get in close to disable the bombs on their back.
This proves to be pretty easy when they have Jedi Knights on their side that can use the force, but just like in the film, Darth Maul blocks their path so Obi-Wan and Long Neck fend him off. The pilots go after the main control ship while Padme and the others go after the Viceroy. Once everyone is gone it’s revealed that Matt helped Anakin sneak into the palace because he didn’t want to be left out. They’re ambushed by Battle Droids and since Matt forgot about the battle plans he manages to destroy three droids before Anakin can remind him to stop. Matt gets wounded and tells Anakin to leave him. He jumps into the cockpit and flies away.
Anakin flies into battle and when talking to the other pilots they just tell him to bugger off! Anakin refuses and just goes for it as he does have some flying experience. The other pilots make good cover as he flies into the control ship. His ship break downs, but he fixes it in the nick of time to destroy the main reactor and flying out of there before it blows. All of the other enemy ships are either destroyed or retreat. The Gungan stuff is heavily reduced, but we see them celebrating over the shutting down droids. Padme catching the Viceroy is the same, but the build-up is also condensed. We’re mainly focusing on Anakin and Obi-Wan in this final set piece.
Finally the fight between Obi-Wan, Long Neck and Maul is way longer! Long Neck will take most of the blows resulting in him getting mortally wounded. Obi-Wan hangs over a pit. Long Neck stands up ready to fight and Maul decides to strangle him thus giving Obi-Wan enough time to chop him in half. (Resurrection is still a possibility in my version.) Before succumbing to his wounds Long Neck tells Obi-Wan that he can see the boy having a bright future with him.
The story wraps up with all of the bombs being disarmed. The Viceroy is taken into custody. A wounded Matt is also taken onto the ship, but congratulates Anakin followed by Palpatine. Palpatine is now the Chancellor and Dooku is noticeably absent when all of the Jedi rock up on Naboo. Yoda advises Obi-Wan that most of the Council agree with Dooku that Anakin should train to be a Jedi. Yoda is only with them if Obi-Wan is truly sure he can tame Anakin. Qui-Gon’s body has been recovered from Tatooine and is cremated alongside Long Neck. The conversations there are the same and we have a happy ending!
That was my Phantom Menace I intend to look at the other 5 movies before Rise of Skywalker comes out. So stay tuned as my Prequel trilogy begins it’s descend into darkness. Oooh!
Part 2: (Coming Soon)