Good evening ladies and gents. Welcome to a brand new series that only happens once a year and it’s called Horrid Horrors. (Like the title? The real horror was trying to come up with the damn thing.)
Each week we will look at one terrible horror movie to dissect how insufferable or entertaining it might be. Finally, at the end of every review, despite it’s flaws, I will give it a positive recommendation because bad movies also need some love.
This should be interesting as our first ever bad horror movie is all about Satan, I think. I will admit my knowledge on satanic cults is a bit rusty, but who would blame me after watching this piece of rubbish.
Before we start I need to talk about the poster. I can’t help but smile every time I see it. It looks like a really bad Photoshop job and what’s up with her mouth? I only wanted to bring it up because the most hilarious thing about the movie is the advertising!
The story of Satanic comes from the heart of Los Angeles where we follow four repulsive teens trapped inside the bodies of 30 something year old actors. You’ve got the boring main heroine, her asshole boyfriend, her annoying goth friend and her goth friend’s boyfriend who completes our foursome by also been an asshole.
We don’t learn much about these kids except they’re young and they’re on break, but who cares about that as most of their conversations revolve around: Let’s get drunk, do you like sex, which of us males has the biggest ego, why are we held down by the wimpy losers in our pack and, oh yeah, we’re young so let’s do stupid stuff and not think about consequences.
I forgot, it’s about the Satan stuff too. The goth chick wants to visit all of the demonic locations in LA and it’s very uninteresting. When that gets old they check out all of the sites that normal tourists go to see in LA. I’m trying to make it interesting, but it really isn’t. The first 20 minutes we just watch these awful teens travel from location to location while been accompanied by cringey dialogue and the blandest cinematography.
About 30 minutes into the hour and 24 minute movie we finally see some action! Earlier in the movie our annoying heroes visit this gothic store run by some sketchy guys, but uh-oh, one of them is going home for the night. To finally fire up the main plot the teens decide to follow this guy to wherever his house may be. It’s a good thing he ended up at some abandoned house as it would have been really anticlimactic if he had gone home to his wife and kids! Not that these idiots would have considered that possibility. It’s annoyingly inconsistent too as the main girl’s irritating boyfriend agrees to this plan even though he whined for the whole time when they were visiting all of the demonic places.
Despite having their high beam on the car they are tailing for almost the whole trip they somehow don’t get caught. It’s funnier when they’re sneaking around the house. Despite having a guard posted on the door the goth guy runs around with his phone in hand recording everything and it seems the guard can only see an arms length ahead of himself. It turns out our stellar ninjas are right and the bald tattooed man is part of a devil cult! They only get seen when the heroine squeals as they attempt to kill a poor helpless girl.
Around here is when the real real plot begins and it’s also where the real horror begins as NOTHING MAKES ANY FREAKIN’ SENSE!!!
After being peer pressured by her friends for most of the movie, the heroine decides she’s taking charge for once. The irony is when the whole group makes a decision there are zero consequences for their stupid actions, but our main character isn’t as lucky. The girl they saved turns out to be crazy! She convinces everyone to join a death ritual so they can enter the demon world or something. She pees her pants and not long after she kills herself.
The trauma of her death gets to everyone so they stay at some random person’s place. They start to see some surreal crap and they come to the conclusion that baldy is behind it. But it turns out the crazy girl’s cult is alot more hardcore than baldy’s cult, which is very confusing and annoying. I’m guessing they don’t kill people or themselves but it really looked like they were going to slit her throat. Maybe they kidnapped this poor girl, stripped her naked and performed this fake ritual, just so they could reveal it was just a prank and it’s all going on YouTube! Hah-Hah! Whatever the case may be, it’s still a red herring.
The finale to this movie is utter garbage! The goth girl gets pregnant or something so they have to stop at the abandoned building they visited at the start of the film. Gothie gets sucked into a portable toilet. Then it’s a mad rush through the nicely polished building while they are picked off one by one by some off screen nonsense. Until only our heroine remains and it’s just squealing for 5 minutes straight. Don’t worry, it’s a smartly written story because the girl bangs on the same window they were looking at when the movie started. Wait, how does that work?… Oh screw it, I want to wrap things up!
Despite being an unpleasant movie to sit through I recommend you only watch Satanic if you like the following: At least you know all of the characters you hate will meet horrible off-screen ends. If you ever wanted to go to LA this movie gives you an idea on where to visit and where not to visit. Some of the cringey dialogue can be kind of funny in a way you’re laughing at how it even got into the script. Lastly it’s smartly written if you don’t pay any attention to the story or if you’re drunk.