X-Men: Dark Phoenix – You Could Do Better.

We’re just going to jump straight into this, so X-Men: Dark Phoenix is the biggest snoozefest of 2019. I was never looking forward to watching this movie, but I couldn’t have anticipated how bored I would be while watching it.

I saw a trailer for that new Fast and the Furious spin-off and man did that look dumb! It’s so hilariously bad, that I really want to see it now. I bring that movie up because it looks like fun, which is something this film seriously lacked. This movie is so serious that it really needed some of the MCU’s sense of humour to give it some life. There are some attempts at humour but it really feels forced.

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Oh wow, I’m going to space. I wonder what’s on TV tonight?

The story I found quite dumb.  They go to space and Red gets hit by weird alien space gas stuff. Now she’s got this power that could kill everyone and the whole movie is about trying to convince her she’s still a good person. I haven’t even mentioned we’re still following the tales of Charles Xavier, Magneto, Jennifer Lawrence and the gang. This movie is too short for everything that they’re trying to convey. I’m not the one who normally suggests more movies, but I think if this story was ever to work there needed to be at least three movies of buildup. They should have realised this as they have spent the last 13 years correcting the mistakes of the first time they screwed up this beloved storyline.

I should mention this is an unofficial final movie in the franchise and if I still cared then maybe I would have been disappointed. It’s just boring. The action scenes were all completely uninteresting and all the characters I once liked all suffered from really poor writing. One of my favourites has always been Magneto and he has no stake in this story, he could have been completely cut. Since the writers have no idea what to do with these characters they just repeat what they did for the last two movies. Charles and Beast don’t really change at all and that’s about the same with all of the other X-Men.

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I guess I never have to tell my dad that we’re related.

Except for Raven who I absolutely loathed in both this and the last movie and, spoiler alert, I’m glad she died as it’s the only time I woke up from my awake nap. Jean Grey wasn’t that bad. It would have been better if she was the villain, instead of that other lady, then it might have made the conflicts feel more personal.

There are some things I liked. The music isn’t bad and it’s more memorable than most musical scores. The cinematography is completely flat, but at least it looks visually better than that disaster X-Men Apocalypse. I liked James McAvoy and Sophie Turner as they looked like they cared.

There is one good thing this movie did. It made me want to watch the old X-Men movies like X-Men: The Last Stand. It’s bad, but from memory that movie had way more personality and memorable scenes than this drag. Same with some of the more terrible X-Men movies, they’re so bad you can get some enjoyment out of them. While with this one it’s such a nothing movie that I have zero interest in ever watching it again and if I do watch it again I might struggle to sit through the whole thing.

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I still favor the original Phoenix as it was more stupid. Guess you’re going to have to wait for the MCU to gives us the best version of this character. 

Overall this is a dull lifeless movie and I’m giving it a 3/10. I would give it the Epic Fail Seal if it was more memorable and since it isn’t it gets squat. If you’re a fan of these movies I think you’re better off watching The Wolverine over this. That’s my thoughts and hopefully the next movie I see is worth my time. Until then I have been The Blog Complainer, signing out.

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