The Twilight Collection

Happy Valentine’s Day! I was planning on doing something special for this holiday but unfortunately I’ve being busy with other projects, both within and outside of the BC. But I didn’t want to arrive empty handed so, for those who don’t know, almost a year ago I reviewed all of the Twilight movies, going into detail on why I am not very fond of them. (You could possibly say it’s a really long rant.) I have mostly left it the way it was when I originally made it as it’s a good reminder of where I started. So this is The Twilight Collection here for your reading pleasure, enjoy and have a great read! 

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Twilight – Original Date: 28/03/2018

I wonder how Bram Stoker the creator of Dracula would react to the modern age of Vampires, How they’re nothing like the vampires from his era. How would he feel about the current state of vampires in movies if he was alive?

What I thought of Vampires back when I was a little kid that they were dark scary cloaked ghouls who lived in dark spooky castles who loved to suck the blood of human flesh. For many years that was what they were famous for back in the 1940’s then to the Christopher Lee Dracula movies and to that retelling of the original book with Gary Oldman back in the early 90’s. It wasn’t until Stephenie Meyer introduced a new age of Vampires where Vampires are young attractive models who are no longer out for human blood but out for human love. This spawned a bunch of rip-offs and including movies based off her books. That’s why I’m here to talk about the first of the quin-trilogy that is known as Twilight.

I remember how huge these movies were back in the day, they were probably as big as The Harry Potter movies. Until just recently I was never interested in watching or reading anything Twilight related. It was my Mum who thought I should watch these movies because apparently I watch too many violent depressing movies so her compromise is a movie about Vampires falling in love while also constantly talking about killing their lover sounded like a better alternate.

Anyway before we start any Book lovers out there who reads this and gets mad me at for my lack of knowledge and uses the ‘They explain that in the books’ or ‘The books did this better’ excuse all I can say is that ‘I don’t care’ because this a movie and should stand on its own. Also there will Spoilers in this review if you don’t like those then go away or if you like those don’t away. As simple as that.

The movie follows Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) as she leaves her home in Arizona and moves to a small town in the state of Washington called Forks. She then goes to High School and fits in just nicely until she meets a mysterious young boy named Edward Cullen (Robert Patterson) who Bella quickly discovers he’s not a normal teenage boy but a Vampire. The two soon form a bond and it’s a tale of the two falling for each other.

Twilight was painful to sit through. The story is boring and formulaic, The action is poorly filmed, The camera work is terrible, The setting looks very ugly, The soundtrack is bad and The acting is god awful especially from our leads but we’ll get into that in a bit. Pretty much everything is wrong with this movie. I’m very confused how this movie spawned a franchise (Oh wait). While doing some research I found out this movie was made during that Writers Strike from a couple years back. (Don’t know what that is here’s a good place to start https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007%E2%80%9308_Writers_Guild_of_America_strike) So that might explain why this movie feels so rushed and how much of a mess it ended up being.

Handsome Vampire Guy & Stupid Teenage Girl: This maybe the worst couple I’ve seen in a film. Bella likes Edward because he’s hot and wants to be a Vampire too. Edward likes Bella because she’s a living breathing piece of Cocaine to him. Throughout the movie I never bought their romance. They always just stare at each other a lot, talk about their feelings a lot and Edward is always concerned and Bella looks like she couldn’t a damn about his or anyone’s problems. It doesn’t help they both give an awful performance. Especially Kristen Stewart. I have a theory the reason why Edward can’t read her mind is because she’s a machine and that’s why she’s obsessed with vampires and never shows any emotion about her current situation.

Other Characters: Bella’s high school friends feel like filler after Edward is introduced. Edward’s family are all very boring same with Bella’s dad. The villain is as weird as Edward. A creepy stalker who’s obsessed with Bella and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) I just saw him as an unnecessary exposition info dumper (He’s on the same page as Bella’s constant Google searches) who’s just as weird as Edward except with longer hair.

Whiteness: The movie: This movie I’ve noticed is very white. Not just the characters but the setting or the backgrounds. So whenever someone is talking I can’t help but look around at the whiteness and think about how ugly this movie looks. Also the action scenes are shot terribly. Things move really fast so you don’t know what’s going on. Everything just looks extra terrible when someone is about to get into a fight. This leads into my next section. Also that soundtrack was a pretty good distraction to take me out of the movie. All you need to know is you‘ll have to make a pretty good threat to make me buy The Twilight soundtrack.

Vampire’s Make No Sense: So Edward was bitten like 100 years ago as a teenager. So that’s why he looks incredibly handsome was his age and it‘ll make the romance scenes less awkward. So vampires still have to suck human blood to survive but Edward’s family instead sucks other animal’s blood. So they’re vegetation’s for Vampires I guess. Also they live in this town because it’s always cloudy. (Only this town!) If they do go out in the sun they become crystal or whatever and on stormy days they’re just more powerful or something and they use their great power on a game of Baseball. Vampires can also run fast, jump high, they’ve super strength. But Edward and only Edward can read minds except for Bella’s for some reason and Edward’s Sister and only Edward’s Sister can see the future and is as usual as Counsellor Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Edward can also teleport or he can sense when Bella needs him because she’s like a giant Coke beacon. I’m sorry I can’t get behind this. So The Cullen’s live forever and do all of this cool stuff and do absolutely nothing with their gifts. Why not do something useful powers like become a team of superheroes or why not just kill like everyone so we can all be vampires too that can resolve all diseases and wars since we’ll all be immortal vampires. But no they just roam the wild during whatever they want going to school when they don’t need too or going to work when they don’t need to. This doesn’t make sense because Vampires are monsters not people and they should be doing what the villains are do and hunt people and sucking people’s blood not having normal lives and doing nothing useful with your powers.

The Story: What’s left the story? Well its Two hours long so good luck making it to the end without falling asleep (Luckily I don’t fall asleep in movies). Two hours of my life I’ll never get back because I watched this awful movie instead of watching the old Dracula movies. Also if you’re familiar with this genre you may have a good idea how this movie will play out and unluckily for me I could see all the pieces before I got them out of the box.

So in the end this movie is the definition of terrible. I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that I actually liked about the movie. So it’s a perfect 1/10 I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you’re the opposite of me or loves to tear apart bad movies and I’m glad you could enjoy it more than me.

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A New Moon – Original Date: 03/04/2018

If your movie is a hit with young girls, mid-aged women, Fans of the books and to no one else. If you’ve a movie sequel that grossed 26.3 million dollars just at the midnight screening then to be later over thrown by its sequel. If you were the owner of this gold mine would you make as many of these as you possibly can?

Pre-Review: Anyway in my Twilight review I mentioned it wasn’t a fun time at all and I would rather watch any of the other movies that came out that year like that bad James Bond movie Quantum of The Solace or the boring superhero movie called The Incredible Hulk or even that brightly, colourful obnoxiously happy musical known as Mamma Mia. Any of those movies would do over that terrible romance between the main characters in Twilight. So one year later and they released a sequel with the same name but with another title next to it so you know it’s not the same movie. So here’s my thoughts on said sequel.

The Plot of said sequel: Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has turned 18 and wants her boyfriend Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) to turn her into a vampire. But he says no and ends their relationship and then his whole family disappears and Bella is left alone for months on end. Bella can’t live being by herself so she seeks comfort in her old friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). They get together and Bella dives deeper into the Vampire lore and Werewolf lore.

The Things I liked of said sequel: This movie was as enjoyable to watch as the first movie but this one I can say there are somethings that I can say that are good I guess. Firstly the whiteness problem I had with the first movie is gone. It still looks kind of ugly in some places. But I could see an improvement which I’m very grateful for. When the characters went to Rome or Vampire Italy I liked the change of scenery from the boring woods. And I guess the guy that who plays Bella’s dad was decent and Edward’s Sister Twilight’s Troi looked like she was very into her role and I guess it’s nice to stare at Jacob’s shirtless body. That’s not a pro it’s just a …um? That’s about it with things I liked.

The Things I didn’t like of said sequel: Everything Else. Everything that’s wrong with that first movie is still there in this one. I’m not going to go through all of them again for the sake of time but I will mention what this movie did worse than the last one. (Yeah I know Twilight did something better than another movie.) First off the story is less interesting than the other one. Bella just sulks a lot and the only way she can get over that if shirtless hot men carry her around. The action scenes I think have gotten worse especially when the Werewolves are involved and Those Flashbacks! I forgot to mention them in my first review. But they’re much worse here. Whenever they reference the first movie they show a poorly edited flashback and a bunch of Dream sequences with Bella having seizures. It happens like five or six times in the movie and it’s like We Get It!

The Worst Character in Existence, Hot Goth Vampire & Scrawny to Ripped in less than Two Movies: After watching this movie I’m convinced hands down that Bella is the worst main character I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t do anything but be escorted by different characters throughout the movie. The only times she does anything by herself is when she wants to kill herself and then gets one of her dumb boyfriends to rescue her. Bella is more machine than ever and she always has that same dumb stare and is it just me or has Kristen Stewart has stopped caring about her performance all together. Edward is still boring. Before seeing this movie I saw a trailer of Remember Me with Robert Pattinson and it made me wish I was watching that instead. Jacob is just a lot stupider version of Bella and I’m convinced in his contract he was required to do 75% of the movie without a shirt. But the thing that annoys me the most about these two constantly change how they feel in an instant they go I love you and I can’t be with you. It’s annoying Stop Doing It! It’s as annoying as being vague a lot. I watched 6 seasons of Lost full of vagueness and it’s just as annoying in that show as it is in that show.

Vampires & Werewolves Don’t Make Any Sense: So the Cullen’s decide to leave their home because the old thirty year old Vampire is no longer looking his age so they have to leave. Can’t he get another job in a more remote location that’s near the town? Like a farmer or a Marine Biologist or an Author. Or just change your hair a bit so you don’t need to leave. Also Edward can’t be with Bella because he’s too dangerous and has leave because of his feelings for her. Okay if this is the late 2000’s don’t you have Skype or mobile phones or Facebook or something to stay in contact? Or just call her on the home phone so she doesn’t try to kill herself and you have to keep sending Ghost Edward to deal with it. (Seriously what’s up with that ghost thing?) And isn’t leaving her putting her in more danger. You know there’s a Vampire out there to get her and abandoning her by herself sounds like a good way to give her the upper hand.

So we later find out Jacob is a part of Wolf pack that is full of shirtless guys in swimming trunks. So we how people become Vampires but how do you become a Werewolf? Jacob said he was born with it. Okay so if that’s how you become one then they all should be related (But they’re not) and should only be like 20 or 30 Werewolves in the world. We are reminded in a flashback that the Cullen’s and Shirtless Bros have a treaty. Okay we know Werewolves are faster but Vampires are immortal and the werewolves have only one female on their team so to resolve this Vampire just need to wait like 70 years and the werewolves will all be dead and they’ll own the whole land.

At the end of the movie Bella goes to Vampire Italy or whatever it’s called and she meets The Vampire Goth Lords and they want to kill her because she’s a human and she’s special or something. So The Cullen’s agree they’ll turn Bella into a vampire or the Vampire Goth Lords will eat her or something. Even after that boring voting scene Edward still doesn’t want to turn his precious Coke into a vampire and Jacob says the truce will be over if a Cullen kills a human. But he doesn’t mind if they do break the truce because he’s fine with the rules been broken when the plot calls for it. Whatever it ends on a real stinger with Edward asking Bella to marry him, even though she’s 18 and he’s 3 million years old or whatever it’s over now! Go home and watch Mamma Mia and become a Dancing Queen with bad Meryl Streep and Pierce Bronson singing. Yay!

Final Thoughts: Twilight’s New Moon is still a bad movie with bad performances, bad CGI, bad action scenes, annoying flashback/dream sequences, confusing character motivations, and one stupid main character we got another movie where most young girls, women and fans will see it no matter what and the rest of us wonder why these movies keep coming out but I think I know. If your movie features a young girl who can’t think for herself, has boring hot guys and has the words Vampire or Twilight in the title and your movie will be a massive success. In the end it’s a 3/10 abs on Jacob’s body. Avoid it as much as vampires avoid the sunlight at Vampire Italy.

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Eclipse – Original Date: 09/04/2018

If the first movie was awful than its sequel was just as bad but both of these movies but was still a huge hit than what does the third movie have to do to top all of that?

Pre-Review: Welcome back to Part 3 of The Twilight Movie Series where in this movie it will make you want to look directly into a Solar Eclipse after watching it. When I started watching this series I was asked by a few people ‘If you don’t like it don’t watch them’ or ‘No one is forcing you to them’ or ‘They’re only for fans of the books and can only be truly appreciated by fans because we’re the only ones you understand this stuff’. Well I’ll explain why I watch them.

Why I Watch These Movies: The first movie I watched for fun but as I got more into the sequels I found myself a greater purpose. I’ve come to conclusion that when people say they like Twilight all I think is ‘SERIOUSLY!’ Are You Serious, because you’re not watching a movie but a product. A Product made by talentless slimy producers who will be happy to milk this thing until it’s all dry and the reason why all these movies will be terrible is because they simply don’t care and they know it’s going to make them big bucks. I’m calling them out for this genre is nothing more than bait to catch the masses of fans who defend no matter how bad it is. The only way to stop the true villains of this story is to simply stop watching these movies all together and stop giving them your money. Once you done that just go and watch something else like Transformers 3 or Pirate of the Caribbean 4 and give those talentless producers your money instead. Or just go outside… Who still does that?

Anyway you’re here for my review on bad movie number 3 am I right? Okay this negative review should get you a seat at your local theatre to see this movie. So here’s why you should see this movie.

Plot: In Seattle a new breed of Vampire’s called The Newborns want to take out The Cullen’s. Meanwhile Bella (Kristen Stewart) is still in love with Edward (Robert Pattinson) but also wants to be with her best friend Jacob. (Taylor Lautner) Bella must reunite the Vampires and Werewolves while also deciding where she finds herself in the future.

The Things I Liked: Well this may be the worst one yet but they’re some good things. The Camera work is quite well done. With some decent performances from most notably Bella’s dad who they call Charlie including Bella. (Which I found weird) I did kind of appreciate that they expanded some of the minor characters who I just didn’t notice before. That’s it with the positives. Now Everything Else

The Most Pointless Love Triangle Ever: So in this movie Bella and Edward get engaged and plan to get married after graduation which changes when The Baby Boomers arrive in the town with Bryce Dallas Howard as their leader. So with the power of love Vampires and Werewolves work together to tear apart the bad Vampires like their made of wax. I guess you noticed I never mentioned Jacob once in my little synopsis. Well that’s because he completely pointless to the main story and is only there for that useless forced love triangle.

I’m serious when I say this love triangle is pointless since we all know who Bella will end up with in the end.

This was so frustrating seeing this play out as it takes up most of the movie. Bella loves Edward but also wants to remain friends with Jacob, Jacob really wants to be with Bella and Edward just sulks a lot. (Groans) It’s so forced that it’s jarring to believe some writer thought it would a good idea to add to the movie. Let me tell you it isn’t its filler and there’s no drama because we all know how it’s going to end and I’m sick of talking about this.

The Rest of the Movie: The main plot doesn’t even kick off until we’re 40 minutes into the movie! Before that we had boring flashbacks and the love triangle nonsense. So when The Baby Boomers decide to get involved is when the movie starts to get worse. With terrible action, bad CGI and more of that Love Triangle that will continue to be the highlight of the movie. We later find out that The Baby Boomers are just pawns for Bryce Dallas Howard so she can kill Bella for getting her boyfriend killed. When it was Edward who killed her? What? There’s also a party that was made important but forget about that so we can Bella and Edward also have Vampire sex which I thought wasn’t a good idea to have because they said that it could kill her. I’m jumping the gun let’s move onto.

Nothing In These Movies Don’t Make Any Sense and No Cares that it doesn’t: So I mentioned about The Vampire Sex so let’s talk Bella & Edward wanting to get married. It’s been like a year since the first movie and for the first two movies they just stared at each other a lot and just talked about Bella not loving him for who he is but to use him to become a vampire. (Which still happens in this movie) Anyway they want to get married even though she’s just 18 and her dad said he doesn’t like Edward. So Daddy says to go and hang out with Jacob and he wants her to some ritual with him so she can stay the way she is. But Bella keeps saying no to remind us how useless Jacob is. Fast-forward to the teaming up part where Werewolves watch Vampires fight each other. Speaking of The Werewolves in this universe they’re so useless. They transform when they’re angry and they can’t catch up to speeding Vampires and their only weapon is their mouth and are pretty much useless without a pack behind them. The Vampires should just these kids on their own.

Speaking of The Villains what’s their plan? We know Bryce Dallas Howard no I mean her other counterpart hated Bella for getting her boyfriend killed in the first movie. Okay sorry that he was stupid enough to make a death trap only to get Bella’s stalker boyfriend on his back. Anyway she forms an army of Baby Boomers (Who all have to look young to qualify in this group) who are more dangerous because they just got bit and they’re like grumpy vampire teenagers. They’re also really stupid so they get themselves all killed. (Also aren’t they still just normal people who were all forced to march to their deaths because of this dumb red head’s poor planning skills) Team Good Guys use Bella’s Coke to make them lose focus. That doesn’t make sense because shouldn’t it make them more dangerous. (Forget it I’m no expert) Bryce Dallas Howard’s plan goes wrong when she goes one on one with Edward and she’s so gullible that she gets herself killed. After that Dakota Fanning shows up to remind us these villains still exist and are annoyed they didn’t get involved sooner. Which they could’ve just solved the problem themselves since they watched them eat people like 2 days before the battle even started. But whatever I didn’t understand any of this nonsense because I didn’t read the books that makes me a clueless hater than.
Final Thoughts: Do I really need to keep explaining how I feel they’re all the same. This one is just as bad as The First One so here you 1/10 times you’ll need to stare at an actual Eclipse before you go blind. Even though this is an abomination and it would kill most of your brain cells by watching it. I would recommend it to everyone so you can see how wrong I am and so we can tell the big Hollywood Producers ‘More Of This Please’!

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Breaking Dawn Part 1 – Original Date: 16/04/2018

This franchise loves to over stay its welcome. Gotta keep milking that cow dry until it’s begging you to stop and all it wants most in the world is to be put out of its misery and to finally end this horrible nightmare that doesn’t want to end! (Sorry I’m getting off topic)

Pre-Review: Welcome to my final Twilight Review. Part 1. (The rest of this review will cost another $20 fee. Thank You) The end is nigh people and to make your last moments with this franchise more painful the producers decided to split their last movie in two so they can make more money … I mean really flesh out the ending to this beloved franchise. Because we all know how much we loved it when The Hunger Games & The Hobbit took forever to finish a story that should’ve all been told in one movie. (But what do I know it was obviously necessary to end it that way)

As of writing this review I haven’t seen Part 2 yet so I can’t get into if the 2 part idea worked or not. Also on an unrelated note I watched this movie on Friday the 13th. I must be the luckiest person you know? As always there will be spoilers everywhere in this review and this review may offend any die-hard fans of the series so with that said here’s my thoughts on Twilight Part 4 of 1.

Plot: Bella (Kristen Stewart) & Edward (Robert Pattinson) finally get married and during their honeymoon Bella gets pregnant and her baby is slowly killing her. The Cullen’s & Jacob (Taylor Lautner) have to protect Bella from the Werewolves who plan on killing her & her unborn child.

An Hour of Filler: So before the main plot kicks off we have an hour of boredom.  In the first 15 minutes of the movie Bella & Edward finally get married. I imagine if this was just one movie this part should’ve taken up like 5 minutes or should’ve been inserted into the last movie. But we got to pad the running time so let bore factor commence! The whole wedding is so damn boring that I can’t imagine how people watched this scene at a theatre & Kristen Stewart is at her peak at how terrible her acting she is. After the main boring clichéd wedding There’s a weird scene with a few blonde green eyed weirdos who I couldn’t take seriously with their eyes the way they were.  They add nothing to this movie but I imagine they have a bigger role in the next movie and Jacob is just there to remind us he’s still there for that forced love-triangle which means less now than it did two movies ago.

Then we get about 30 minutes of Bella & Edward on a romantic Island for their honeymoon that I can’t remember anyone ever mention this Island in any of the other movies. This part of the movie is the most boring by far. They don’t really do anything but have fun & mess around a lot. The only main purpose of this part is that Bella really wants to have sex with Edward. (Which I apologise for my mistake and spelling errors in my last review) But since the movie has to appeal to young girls it’s just a bunch of making out scenes but this time with no clothes on. (Which doesn’t help because I’m absolutely sick of these two sucking face by this point) The vampire sex didn’t kill her (Which shocked me) but it gave her a few bruises and now’s she pregnant with Edward’s baby and she’s going to die now.

Vampire Babies make no sense just like everything else in these stupid movies:  So somehow Bella is pregnant with Edward’s baby, Even though Edward is pretty much a living corpse and none of his human organs work. (I’m not going to even dive into that one) So anyway Bella is dying because her baby is growing really fast and the Cullen’s said no vampire has ever had a baby before. Even though they’re immortal, they’re young forever and I bet they’re always hitting it off. In less than two weeks Bella is all withered up and her baby is ready to come out.  Jacob gets involved because he’s done with sulking around. But his friends also want to help out and he keeps sending them off to their deaths because there’s only room for two hunks in Bella’s life.

So The Shirtless Bros want to kill Bella to keep the peace (Which doesn’t make any sense by the way) but since Werewolves are useless in this universe they just wait it out and guard the place. Edward’s dad needs to feed before he can perform on Bella and that involves putting himself in danger so he can’t make it back to help Bella. (Idiot) Bella’s baby is coming and the only way to save her life is to suck the coke within her. This also features a weird point of view from Bella’s perspective full of blurs and shaky cam it looks really bad. Finally the baby is born and Bella dies.

So after that we meet Bella & Edwards’s baby girl Renesmee, which might be the dumbest name I’ve ever heard. (Makes sense coming from the girl with the dumbest face in the movie) After the baby is born Jacob has a weird bonding moment with the baby and he can see into her future or something. So he uses that to tell his former comrades to go away and they do for some reason and that’s the end of that epic war they’ve been building up to for 3 movies. So the movie ends with the worst ending I’ve seen in this series so far. It ends with Bella’s funeral and whoever thought Bella was actually dead hasn’t seen many movies.  It ends on an awful shot of her opening her eyes. Then you celebrate it’s over, then you realise there’s another one to go. (What is there left to Tell!)

Final Thoughts: At this point I see The Twilight movies as this one big terrible dessert. This one has most of the same problems as the others but this one is easily the most boring of the lot, mostly because it’s two parts and I bet all the cool stuff is in Part 2. All together I would give it a 3/10 and a 0/10 on the boring as hell scale. If you’ve made it this far I would say just grab the second part right now and just finish it already if not avoid it as you would avoid having sex with a Vampire.

 

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Breaking Dawn Part 2 – Original Date: 16/04/2018

I wonder how Bram Stoker the creator of Dracula would react to the modern age of Vampires, If your movie is a hit with young girls, mid-aged women, Fans of the books and to no one else, If the first movie was awful than its sequel was just as bad but both of these movies but was still a huge hit than what does the third movie have to do to top all of that? This franchise loves to over stay its welcome.

I remember how huge these movies were back in the day, The movie follows Bella Swan, she meets a mysterious young boy named Edward Cullen, painful, boring and formulaic.  This maybe the worst couple I’ve seen in a film, she’s a living breathing piece of Cocaine to him.  Whiteness: The movie, they’re vegetation’s for Vampires I guess, Jacob Black, required to do 75% of the movie without a shirt, I’m convinced hands down that Bella is the worst main character I’ve ever seen., Vampires & Werewolves Don’t Make Any Sense; she meets The Vampire Goth Lords, she’s 18 and he’s 3 million years old, it’s a 3/10 abs on Jacob’s body.

‘If you don’t like it don’t watch them’, ‘SERIOUSLY!’ Are You Serious, The Most Pointless Love Triangle Ever, Bella and Edward also have Vampire sex, 1/10 times you’ll need to stare at an actual Eclipse, my final Twilight Review. Part 1, An hour of boredom, Finally the baby is born and Bella dies, Renesmee, I see The Twilight movies as this one big terrible dessert, If you’ve made it this far I would say just grab the second part right now.

Well here we are let’s ends this.

Plot: Bella (Kristen Stewart) is a vampire now and can now do everything that her husband Edward (Robert Pattinson) can. Their daughter Renesmee starts to grow very rapidly and this scares The Volturi. So Bella, Edward & The Cullen’s have to recruit Vampires from across the globe to prepare for a final confrontation with The Volturi.

Why was it in 2 parts: Now I’ve seen the two parts I can say that this movie should’ve been one movie. I could even say the other three could’ve been shrunk into two or even one movie if I was in charge of these movies. So like many great two parter movies one part is really boring & the other part is really awesome. I’m going to compare this to the Harry Potter two parter because it’s the only one I’ve seen & it’s the only one that did this right. Even though Deathly Hallows Part 1 is my least favourite of the two but there is still enough going on to keep my interest. Unlike in Breaking Dawn Part 1 where nothing really happens besides they get married, have sex, baby is born & Bella dies which could’ve all been the first 40 minutes if it was all just one movie.

Then there’s Deathly Hallows Part 2 which keeps the action going, it gives us an epic final battle and with actual stakes & it really means something when all these people die for Harry. Then we have Breaking Dawn Part 2 where the beginning feels like its own movie not a continuation of the last part. Then we get to Bella who & is so poorly written that I never feel like she’s worth fighting for & I more feel that she’s more responsible for getting all these people into danger and there is no real stakes because these guys really haven’t lost anything or they seem to be able to handle everything that comes to challenge them.  Then we get to the endings which all I’m going to say is there both really cheesy but Harry Potter’s is better than Twilight’s.

Okay now I’ve explained why the two parter idea is a terrible idea let’s get into the final Twilight movie.

The first 30 Minutes: After the terrible opening credits we see Bella very much alive. (Which is the last thing I wanted to see) This is the filler part of the movie. Bella is a Baby Boomer now and has to learn to become a boring vegetation like the rest of them. They get their own house so they can do you know forever now & they do a bunch of other pointless stuff like arm wrestling. I think I know how to fix these issues if this was all one movie but by this point I am beyond caring. Then Jacob (Taylor Lautner) shows up to mess everything up. Bella shows some emotion for once and that leads to Jacob stripping naked in front of her dad so he can show off his wolvie powers. Too be honest Bella’s dad is probably the best actor in this series followed by Edward’s Sister & maybe Jacob too if he was in a better movie. Bella’s baby is now 8 or something and I can see she got her acting ability from her bland boring parents.

A Bunch Of New Characters and More Things That Don’t Make Any Sense: So in the post credit scene that I skipped before seeing because I saw the credits and bolted for my remote. The VGL (The Vampire Goth Lords I’ve been calling them) want to kill the kid because Vampire kids destroy entire villages I think and these guys hate everything that’s weird. So Bella & her uninteresting friends recruit some vampires. This movie brings up again that some Vampires have cool super powers and that makes Werewolves even more pathetic in compassion. Bella also has her own super power. Her Coke turns her into a Shield I think and she can put force fields on people and that’s about it. This still doesn’t explain how special she is and it makes it even more confusing that everyone has their own super power!  If these guys all have super powers than me from 4 movie reviews ago was right. (‘Why not do something useful powers like become a team of superheroes’ Me From My Twilight Review) (I feel like I’m very close to breaking!!)

So there’s a girl who can Taser people, A guy who rips off Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender, Some Jungle women with hallucination drugs, Two acrobat twins & a Vampire Hunter guy who eats humans with no real loyalty to anyone. Then they mention the bad guys only have Dakota Fanning who can torture people and a guy who eats people with black smoke. Okay so just take those two out and you’ll win. Do you see now that none of this makes any sense? So there are a few pointless training montages and more boring scenes that go nowhere interesting. Then we get to Edward’s sister cryptic plan which we’ll discuss in more detail in a bit. She leaves Bella cryptic clues and how all of this leads to a book that makes Bella think that this battle will make her never see her daughter again or something. I… I…don’t… I…..Forget it let’s get to The Battle.

The Battle: So we get to the epic final showdown where our boring heroes stand on one side of the snow with their pack dogs then on the other has the red cloaked British dudes. (Even though they said they’re Italian) So they just stand there in the snow for 10 minutes trying to get the head VGL to touch the kid. This would be the last thing if I was them because the guy is clearly deluded and is going to kill everyone no matter what they say. What happens next is exactly what I’ve predicted  expect Future girl shows up and tries to calm the guy down, but that doesn’t work then Edward’s dad does something stupid and dies. The Battle commences all your favourite nobody characters get killed, Jacob runs away with the kid, there’s a lot of bloodless decapitations, Earth bender guy makes a crack in the floor killing all the Wolves, Dakota Fanning dies Bella is still useless & Head Dude is beheaded by the boring lovers. It’s a pretty awesome battle and for once in this series I was actually engaged with the story. It’s a moment where I was interested & wanted to see what happens. So well done Twilight you made me care about your dumb story. So anyway after the Head VGL dies this happens…

The Ending: The battle never happened. It’s just a vision that Edward’s sister gave to the head VGL. So that convinces the guy to call off the attack and they all go home and forget this battle ever happened. ‘What The …………………………………………..’ ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!’ It’s cool twist don’t get me wrong but all it does is it makes this movie entirely pointless! So we’ve building up to an epic battle for 5 movies the last 2 were all disappointing then this one manages to be the biggest middle finger of them all!

Firstly I thought she could only see the future not make up alternate realities, Secondly if she didn’t run away and just told everyone her plan from the beginning that could’ve solved the quest to recruit everyone and just had a short one on one chat with the VGL in a club or a cafe, thirdly This ending ruins the entire series, fourthly with the villains still alive at the end they could still come back if you mess up again also they’ll still kill people because you morons and lastly this is the biggest cop out I’ve ever seen in a film!

For most of the movie it was just tolerable same with the other 4 movies. But this ending actually made me angry I was mad! There’s still anger in me right now.  I actually despise this ending because the little love I had for Twilight is gone now I hate everything about this series now it’s a cancer on our society and Twilight deserves to burn at the stake for putting me through this torture! But whatever they all live happily ever after and it ends with reminding you about the terrible 5 movie drug trip you just went on and then it ends and I want to burn everything Twilight related in sight.

Conclusion: The Twilight saga is a series that shouldn’t have even had a franchise and shouldn’t have spawned a following and shouldn’t have been printed in on piece of paper. But at least the pain is finally over and I’ve been thinking about what to give it and I think it deserves a 2/10 it just escapes a one thanks to some good performances, the CG is decent & the fake battle was pretty awesome.

At last we’ve reached the end. The Twilight movies have been painful to sit through but I’m glad I had ‘you’ faithful reader by my side. Once the credits role I’m always excited to jump onto this computer and write a review that I hope makes someone’s day. If you’ve joined me on my Twilight journey from the beginning I’m very grateful for and it’s you people that motivate me to continue writing these reviews. So thank you so much for walking with on this dark path I call my Twilight Series Reviews. (I promise there will be no corny speeches in any of my other reviews from this point on)

Those are my thoughts on The Twilight saga if you agree or disagree please let me know in the comments and share it with your loved ones.

I’m a bit lost on what movie franchise I should review next so let me know on what I should review next.  If you haven’t notice I’m a huge fan of movies and I’m willing to suffer for my audience (If I have any) so let me know on what I should review next.

Thanks for reading this review and I’ll see you again in the next review.

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2 thoughts on “The Twilight Collection

  1. I had to laugh reading this.
    I had a boss at work – clever, professional, well regarded – who went to Forks for a holiday because of these movies ( and books). That’s a very long way from Australia. It did change my opinion of the woman I have to admit…..

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