Hey, I know I’m late to the party here, so I’m going to make this quick and say that Aquaman stinks like a large collection of seaweed that has washed up onto the beach. That’s my best analogy for the movie which is basically trash.

Well, we’re finally here, DC movie number 6 and, oh boy, do I have a lot to say about it! I wasn’t expecting much from this movie as I felt like this would be a good downer movie after destroying Justice League a few weeks back. But the funny thing is Aquaman is much worse than I could possibly have imagined. I was so under prepared for how bad a time I was in for and, you know what, I feel like doing something daring. I’m just going to tell you what happened in Aquaman and TO YOU PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET, DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE THIS PAGE, I’M NOT SPOILING THE MOVIE I’M JUST TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT AND WHAT EXACTLY YOU’RE WALKING INTO. SO SIT BACK AND RELAX, WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE SOME FUN!!!

The Blog Complainer explains the plot of Aquaman: Once a upon a time Future Dad character finds Special Mummy character washed up on the shore. Dad character and Special Mummy character fall in love and have Hero character. They live happy lives and Special Mummy character mentions that our Hero is destined to do great things one day. Until evil scary guys takes Special Mummy character away. So Hero character evolves and learns his special powers at a very young age because it’s much cuter when a child actor learns his true potential.

Hero character grows up to be Outcast Hero character who is well known for his small heroic acts  and our Hero character is of course a badass, a big strong muscly person and he has the likeable personality traits of every other male in his genre. We see our Hero character express himself in an opening action scene, doing something heroic and battling it out with the Secondary Villain. Later on Hero character meets Love Interest character but of course they don’t know that yet, but we do! Our Love Interest character is pretty bland except she is a strong capable woman who doesn’t need a man in her life but really she needs our hero in her life. Love Interest character tells Hero character that Jealous Brother character wants to be King and take over the world. Jealous Brother character is our main villain and he doesn’t deserve the throne he holds because that belongs to our Hero character. But he is definitely a massive jerk, not sympathetic in any way and he is totally menacing. Oh yeah he’s the Bad Guy!

Then Love Interest character and Hero character go to a secret city and Hero character is amazed by how impressive it looks. This is where we meet Mentor character who, in the past, trained our Hero character to be the badass warrior he is today. Our Hero character is eventually captured by the baddies and is brought before Jealous Brother character and they have an epic staring contest and Jealous Brother character challenges our Hero character to a fight and, since this is still very early on in the movie, our Hero character is easily defeated by our Villain. So Love Interest tells our Hero character about a McGuffin device that brings all of the kingdoms together so our heroes go on an epic quest while along the way they slowly bond and get into awkward romantic positions together. Tee Hee! They find a clue to the puzzle, but wait, their enemies have found them and it’s time to fight. Our Hero character gets into an epic fight with our Secondary Villain, but he defeats him and our heroes move on to the next stage.

The next stage involves getting around some sort of obstacle. After that they reach the final stage which looks more interesting than anything we have seen before. We also see the return of Special Mummy character where she encourages the Hero character to fulfill his destiny. But that’s not enough encouragement. He needs to battle a big scary monster before earning the right to hold the McGuffin device. After that we reach our super epic grand final battle where most of the budget of the movie usually goes. Our Hero character must face Jealous Brother character one last time, but wait, the Love Interest character admits her feelings for him. They embrace, then they kiss and the music builds up to the highest point as we marvel at how far these characters have come. At last our Hero character and Villain character meet and this time the Villain character is easily outclassed by the knowledge our Hero has learned on his journey. The Villain character is defeated and our Hero character rightfully claims his role as King as he raises his McGuffin device in the air and in the other arm he holds his girl and all his subjects shout his name as it’s a fantastic victory.

But that’s not all folks, Our Secondary Villain is discovered to have survived his encounter with the Hero character and now he vows revenge and if this movie makes a profit then you’ll see what happens next. That’s the plot of Aquaman and you’re welcome.

My Thoughts on the Movie: I’m guessing after the disastrous gross of Justice League, DC were really playing it safe. If you skipped over that last part then basically Aquaman is every movie ever made. It’s so standard and so safe that it kind of baffles me as to why they even bothered. Moving on from the story let’s talk about everything else and explain why none of it works. Jason Momoa as Aquaman still doesn’t work for me. He’s good at playing the beach bum character but he’s kind of too goofy to be a serious super hero, like I couldn’t buy at all his transformation into the true King of Atlantis. I’m just going to skip the rest of the characters because they all suck and jump straight to the CGI, which is better than the last movie but it still looks horrendous. I could never have imagined Atlantis looking good in Live Action form but they did it anyway and it looks bad. Most of the time it’s too dark to make out anything and other times it’s so bright that everything is just a blur.

The action scenes will probably be the highlight for most people but not surprisingly I thought they sucked. The one take fight at the very start just looked so bad with the Nicole Kidman stunt double leaping across the room knocking out guys, I just couldn’t help it I thought it was terrible and looking back at it, it makes me laugh. My favourite scene in the movie is when Aquaman boards the submarine and goes ‘What’s up bad guys, I’m here to kick your ass’. I liked it, not because it was good, but because of how stupid it is – this movie needed more stupid scenes like this and less boring scenes in Atlantis. The best part is when Aquaman leaves the evil guy’s father to die. It’s so funny that I was just chuckling away while the evil guy was going ‘NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS AQUAMAN, ONE DAY!!!!! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!’ What’s up with these DC movies that all their bad guys have to shout whenever they want to be intimidating?

There is some attempted comedy in the movie too, although I didn’t think any of it was funny and it all felt forced like all of their other movies and, like every other DC movie, I knew exactly what was going to happen and the movie still treats me like I’m an idiot! The earlier parts of the movie I liked because they’re humorously bad but once we arrive in Atlantis it’s like the origin scenes in Wonder Woman, but triple it. Most of the movie looks like a video game and the story is ripped from every movie that is a part of this genre. There is also a lot of cringey and cliched dialogue throughout the movie, the ones I have mentioned in this review should give you a good idea of what the rest of the movie is like. To finish this paragraph off I will say this –  Aquaman did make me wish it was as long as Justice League because seriously I was less than halfway through the movie when I just wanted it to hurry up and end and as we slowly inched towards the end my frustration grew.

I want to wrap this up, so the main problem with Aquaman is the exact same problem as with all the other DC movies as it wants to appease absolutely everyone but they don’t realise it’s impossible to do so. So it’s every movie you have seen before, plus a fun superhero movie, adventure movie, prophecy movie. It wants to be fun and taken seriously but it doesn’t work because everyone knows Aquaman is a joke! They still haven’t learned their lesson and, with the current gross, Warner Bros will see it as a win. It’s a massive disappointment and it’s nowhere close to an okay movie so it’s a 2/10 for me. If you feel like being unchallenged then go right ahead but I seriously don’t think it’s worth your time at all.

But I’m guessing the good news is that SHAZAM! looks like it gets the point of what it is, unlike this dumpster fire, so hopefully that could get this universe out of the hole they’re currently in. So that’s it, I hope you all have a Happy New Year and I’ll see you next year.

The Blog Complainer, Signing Out for 2018.