October starts off terribly with Marvel’s, I mean Sony’s, Venom. The best way to describe this movie is like when a little baby pushes off a hot bowl of spaghetti onto your very expensive carpet and what are you left with. So if you didn’t know because you once shared the same rock as me at one point, Venom is a Marvel character who appeared in 2007’s Spiderman movie as one of the main villains. But this new movie has no relationship with the current Spidey that hangs out in the MCU. That’s because Spiderman is owned by a different studio and Venom is still part of the studio that made the Amazing Spiderman movies. (You’d better be taking notes because this will be on the test!)

Before we start, if you are intent on seeing this movie I recommend you watch it first then come back here because my points will make more sense and I’ll be discussing most of the plot in this review.

Origin Story Time: The movie starts off with an origin story because we’re definitely not over those yet. The movie goes backwards and forwards between our main character Eddie Brock, a big time investigative journalist, and the super obvious evil business guy who is studying alien goopy stuff. This is easily the most boring part of the movie where we swap from boring guy doing boring guy stuff to evil guy doing very non-humane actions because he has no character. Eddie Brock gets fired from his job because he asks the evil guy about possible deaths at his company that he learned of from his girlfriend’s computer which he didn’t think to print out or send to his phone so he could back up his accusations. But that’s not why he gets fired.  He gets fired for literally just doing his job. (Don’t you remember?  He’s an investigative journalist, remember that!) Also, he has his own TV show, so does that mean that everyone who works on his show just lost their job too?

Somehow they also find out that he learned this from his girlfriend so she loses her job too and she breaks up with Eddie. Then we cut to 6 months later because nothing interesting happened during that time. A lady who works for Evil man tells Eddie ‘Hey my boss killed a guy today and he might do it again so come and report this for me.’ ‘Can’t you just do it all yourself or just call the police, also I have my own problems so no thanks.’ ‘Come on!’ ‘Okay, You’ve Convinced me.’ She helps Eddie break in and Eddie just wanders around this highly secure lab that is shockingly not very secure. Eddie finds his homeless friend that the movie briefly showed as missing a few scenes earlier and that’s how he gets the symbiote by entering the most secure lab in existence and being able to take their most important asset. (Sighs, and we’re just getting started!)

The Eddie and Venom Variety Hour: The rest of the movie is a PG horror movie, mentally insane drug trip thing while also being a dumb superhero and a buddy cop movie and adding in everything from that origin part and that’s Venom in a nutshell. Let’s talk about Eddie and Venom who are both very inconsistent characters. Eddie is a bit of a jerk, he’s got a big ego and he’s a smart talker very much like other versions of the character but since he’s not the villain but the hero these traits are completely dropped once he gets the symbiote and he’s just another likeable male protagonist who cracks jokes all the time which at this point I’m going to dub it as a cliché.

Venom is a monster that just wants to survive. Throughout the movie that’s all he cares about and that is clear when his girlfriend’s new partner says it’s killing him. Don’t worry this is never brought up again and Venom comes to its senses and wants to be Brock’s best friend now. Which was also never built up to properly in the movie so it comes off as very contrived. Also the scary terrifying looking monster cracks jokes too because why not and you can’t market something to kids if they don’t crack jokes.

NEWSFLASH Sony Still Doesn’t Understand Their Characters: I remember back when Venom was supposed to be part of the Amazing Spiderman movies back when Spiderman had a cinematic universe. Now it looks like Venom has his own cinematic universe and that’s the main problem. Venom is a Spiderman villain and his origin story heavily hinges on Spiderman’s presence. Even though Spiderman 3 isn’t the greatest movie ever made, but Eddie Brock’s origin story actually makes sense and the symbiote bonded with him because he was fuelled with the rage it needed to get revenge on Spiderman and same with Eddie Brock who learns Spiderman’s identity so right there they share the same motivation and that’s why they’re Venom. This Eddie doesn’t have Spiderman so he just kind of sulks around and gets the symbiote by accident but Venom likes him for some reason, it rejected the other hosts, what’s so special about Eddie Brock?

Eddie and Venom don’t have any motivation to be together but for only Venom’s need to survive and Eddie has no reason to do anything. Also Venom is supposed to be the combined strength of the symbiote and the host not just the symbiote; you don’t think Eddie Brock in Spiderman 3 would’ve endangered himself at the end if he wasn’t in control of the symbiote. Just think about it this way.  If you made a Joker origin movie and Batman wasn’t in it, it would not work and that’s my problem with Venom besides mess and Venom is a funny character now.

It’s Almost a So Bad It’s Good Movie: Ignoring the origin part and jumping to the Eddie/Venom parts at some points in this movie I was really enjoying myself for the wrong reasons. Every scene when someone bonds with a symbiote is just comedic gold. At some points I’m surprised this is marketed at kids because some of the imagery is quite horrifying and some people are brutally killed. Maybe this movie could’ve been rated R so we could’ve seen some of this action and an R rated Venom movie doesn’t sound like a bad idea and I think in the comics Venom has a bit of a foul mouth. My favourite parts of the movie is whenever Eddie and Venom just kind of messed about and mostly whenever they’re not focusing on the main plot because that’s what holds it back for me. The best scene is when Eddie and Venom are running away from the bad guys and it’s like an over the top car chase. That was fun. You should have more scenes like that. I don’t care about your boring overdone story.

Also, Tom Hardy, who I thought was going to suck, wasn’t that bad and in fact his performance actually enhanced the sucky funny scenes to make them more enjoyable. Also at the end of movie we have that Turd line from the trailer which makes it funnier that this movie tried to sell Venom as a much more serious character but really he’s a joke.

Venom is like a Turd in the wind: Overall Venom is pretty bad which wasn’t the least bit shocking. I could see a somewhat better movie but Sony played it really safe so it’s terribleness and averageness blend in together to make a smashed spaghetti bowl or a, you know, 4/10. I somewhat recommend it and somewhat don’t. Just look at it this way –  here is how I would rank all the 2018 superhero movies we have so far:

1. Deadpool 2

2. Infinity War

3. The Incredibles 2

4. Black Panther

5. Teen Titans Go!

6. Venom

7. Ant-Man and Wasp

If you don’t like my complaints or this review then you can tell me by email now because I have an email account now. It’s on the home page too so to the people who like sending me spam comments now you have an alternative place to send to!

My email: theblogcomplainer@gmail.com

Expect more movies later this month and other stuff too so see you all then.

BC, Signing out.