The Meg is a bad movie disguised as an average one.

I’m only 2 ½ weeks late and it’s still out in theatres so it’s still relevant. (Good excuse Complainer!)

To start off a new season we’re going to talk about a movie that came out last season just because I can and this is my site so there you go. The Meg is one of those movies that follows the old rusted hype train that Jaws created back in the 70’s and since studios really have no clue what people like they just bring back things that people liked 4 or 5 years ago but that no one cares about now. I think Slender Man would agree with my statement.

The Meg is one of those movies where a few promotional shots and a trailer tells you exactly what you’re going to get. The Meg is a shark movie/monster movie – it’s got a bunch of character types and a monster. It also has the same quality as an terrible B grade movie and a generic Hollywood blockbuster. That’s the Meg in a nutshell and since the movie has been out for a few weeks I’m just going to spoil the whole movie so don’t delve too deep if you haven’t seen this movie yet. (I had a really clear joke there but I forgot as I was writing it, don’t you hate that.)

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Spoiler Alert: Cute Children Never Die In Horror Movies

Meg’s Development: The Meg is loosely based off the novel by Steve Alten.  Other than for being about stopping an unstoppable beast the movie is nothing like the book. The development behind this movie is actually way more fascinating to dive into than watching the movie itself. (Here’s a good site I looked at if you are interested: https://filmschoolrejects.com/the-meg-production-history/) The short version is that Disney claimed the rights before the book was even released but the idea of turning it into a movie never reached the surface and was floating dead at the bottom of the ocean.

In 2016 Warner Bros and Jon Turteltaub resurrected the beast turning it into an American Chinese project. 2018, it’s out and it’s a big hit. But you don’t care about that you want to hear me complain about it, I’ll get to that but I also like leaving some background information because it’s pretty interesting. The Meg had alot of rough patches but was it all worth it in the end. Well…. Yes and No. Yes because the guys made some money and that’s good for them and No because it was also a bad movie.

The Meg is Meh: The Meg follows Jason Statham a rescuer who goes down under the ocean to save people. The scene of the movie starts with something that made this sub sink and I don’t know about you but I was so lost in this opening scene. Following all these characters who I don’t know and this sub has being sunk by some force that isn’t really clear what sunk it and how it was sunk? I also found it pretty funny that this guy was moaning in pain over this really small cut on his thigh. ‘Help me, Help me, I’m dying over this really small cut, so make me a main priority over the guy with no legs’.

So when two guys volunteer to die so everyone else can live for some reason it’s Jason Statham’s fault because he didn’t save those two guys who asked to stay behind so everyone else can escape.  Five years later Jason Statham is asked to return to the station and he says no at first but immediately changes his mind. They go to this oil rig thing that has an underwater observatory thing attached to it where they study what’s under this long ravine and, since it’s a monster movie, things must go wrong. Three people are trapped at the bottom of this ravine as like in Jurassic Park everything is so sweet and innocent where they watch all the nice fish do nice fish things. Until the scary T-Rex shows up to remind us we’re watching a monster movie.

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I know I’m late to the party and all but don’t worry I will not compare Meg from Family Guy to the Meg in this movie. Or maybe I just did, Oops.

The plot is curious scientists find big shark monster and Jason Statham has to kill it because no one else will do it. We find out that this is the massive extinct shark The Megalodon also known as Meg. Shark attacks people and action man saves the day and whateverrrrr. I’ve heard it all before.

Meg and Her Prey: Jason Statham plays the gruff veteran who hasn’t been in any wars but has had a very traumatic life. The supporting cast composes of Rainn Wilson who plays Rich Jerk – that’s his character, Li Bingbing plays generic love interest who loves Jason Statham because the script says she does, she has a kid too and she’s in it because the movie needs a kid.  We also have a comedic relief black guy, a comedic IT girl, an old hopeful guy with a big fat red target on his face, another jerk, a fat overweight man and a invincible mutt.

These characters are all types that are meant to play a specific role like we need a love interest because our hero needs a love interest, we need one unlikeable character so the audience can root for this character’s satisfying demise, we need 5 useless characters just so they can be shark bait and a random kid on this secret dangerous government project but no one will question that because kids are cute.

Dumb Ways To Die, So Many Dumb Ways To Die: People do die in this movie but some were dumb and others were funny, like the first guy decides to sacrifice himself so Jason Statham and his friends can escape and it’s funny because it’s Jason Statham’s fault, again! ‘Rambo wouldn’t have let that man die you’re such an amateur!’ The fat bearded man gets a bit of build before he’s comedically killed off, all he needed was a laugh track. The main girl’s dad gets a scratch and he has one of those cheesy cliched five minute long scenes to dramatically die after. Then she tells her daughter after and the next scene she’s in she’s playing cards with one of the characters forgetting he even existed and in fact I think everyone forgot about him. (Don’t blame you.)

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And at my funeral after I die in the next hour or so, I want to be buried next to a nice olive tree because olives remind me of the first day I met you, my sweet turnip and Then…

Rainn Wilson tells everyone that he’s going to call the navy to help them out but he’s lies so he can take Meg himself and he comically falls off the boat and is forced to swim to the dead whale only to be comically eaten right after and the funny part is he’s the last main character to die in this movie and we still have the final act to go. So in the end every antagonistic character, any old people and every slow overweight person dies but Jason Statham, the only women in the movie, the kid and the one comedic black character all get to live happily ever after. Plus the invincible dog that gets eaten by Meg but somehow still survives.

A Horror Survival Movie & A Dumb Horror Comedy: The Meg has some suspenseful scenes where it all takes place underwater in a small sub where Jason Statham says in front of a green screen ‘Meg’s coming, Duck, Look out, Shoot it now’ while avoiding a shark in a Super Mario underwater level. I think the better scenes are on top of the water where Jason Statham is swimming away from the beast and people accidentally get knocked into the water when a 50 foot shark is on its way there. This is probably more personal because I’m not a confident swimmer and a vast empty ocean gives me the chills. So if you ever meet me in real life don’t invite me on boat trips in the middle of the ocean because I’m not going without my floaties and lifejacket.

It’s also like a unintentionally dumb comedy and unintentionally unfunny comedy like in the trailer where Meg bites the big glass tube where the girl is and then the adults show up and it’s just a smaller whale. Hahhhhaaa let’s just overlook the big teeth marks on the glass. Oh yeah I forgot about the jump scares, you’ve got the cliched scary noises in a room then it turns out to be some guy who comes around the corner. ARE YOU SCARED YET? Back to the fat guy again where he is happily laughing about the dead shark, BOOM another shark comes out of nowhere and knocks the boat over. A similar thing happened with Rainn Wilson’s death and I could go on until I need a re-watch to remember all these fake-outs.

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I haven’t got a photo of Jason Statham or Meg yet so why not kill two birds with one stone

Generic: While it’s fun and sometimes extremely stupid the Meg is really generic. It’s like a small studio who want to make a fun stupid movie but then some cooperate big shots come in and say ‘Play by all rules and you’ll get big bucks’ they went along with it so it just plays out like any other monster movie. So what I said near the start is how I best describe this movie – a dumb movie disguised as a generic Hollywood monster movie. So I feel very mixed about this movie. I think if I watched this in 3D on opening night with a crowd of clappy loud people then I might’ve enjoyed myself better.

So in the end it’s like a 4 or 5 out of 10 It’s a good first watch but I think it might be better with the right group of people so put this on the same night you watch Grease 2 with your loud clappy friends in 3D.

September I feel like will be another busy month for me so here’s my current schedule in no particular order:

  • Insatiable Part 3: This will be the first one I’ll try to knock over.
  • The Simpsons Season 5: It’s getting good at this point and it’s a good time to marathon the series with me if you’re interested.
  • Daredevil Season 1: I meant to do this last month but ran out of time.
  • Man of Steel: I want to review the DCEU movies because I think it’ll make a good laugh.
  • The Netflix Watch-a-Thon where I’ll be putting up a poll each month from now on as to which movie you want me to watch.

Also some movies I’ll probably go watch throughout the week. I won’t say which in case I let someone down that I missed a particular movie.

Until Next Time, I’m The Blog Complainer, Signing Out.

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