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Slender Man

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Slender Man is bad, DON’T WATCH IT! I don’t need to say anymore, I’m the BC and I’m going to bed. (I can’t actually go to bed because it’s the middle of the afternoon.)

Slender Man is a movie about four teenage girls doing normal teenage girl stuff. The girls get a little tipsy and they summon an evil monster that has come to do something….I don’t know what? That’s the plot of this hour and a half long movie and I really didn’t like it. I wished I went to see a different movie like The Meg or Hotel Transylvania 3, anything but this. There is so much on my mind right now that I really don’t know where to begin! ….. I ….. um ….. I know, let’s start by not discussing the movie, if that makes sense.

Slender Guy’s History: I remember when Slender Man was huge, back in my younger adolescent years. So if you don’t know, Slender Man was created in a Photoshop contest to create a paranormal picture  by a guy under the alias of Victor Surge. He had two images of some kids doing something sweet and innocent while some no faced guy in a suit watched in the background. It came with a description saying these are the last photos of the children before they were taken by … wait for it … wait for it … a mysterious figure known as ’Slender Man’!

So Who Was Watching These Kids Besides The Obvious?

From there Slender Man became the new boogieman pretty much. He became a myth, a legend, a thing to be feared of thus becoming a Meme. In the early 2010’s Slender Man was responsible for spawning the popularity of Creepypastas, he had a couple of games, he had a YouTube channel dedicated to his mythos  and there is an infamous real life stabbing back in 2014 by some 12 year old girls because of this character. It was around that time where the internet was over Slender Man and they moved onto killer animatronic teddy bears.

Last year there was a HBO documentary called Beware The Slenderman which mostly goes into the attempted murders and now we have this new movie which I didn’t like, people in my theatre didn’t like it, critics didn’t like and I think everyone who saw it agrees this new movie is terrible so that means I should be safe from hate comments.

The Most Boring Fictional Characters Alive: These 4 girls are the most boring characters I’ve ever seen in film. I can barely distinguish one from the other, I can barely remember their names and I can’t remember what they looked like. These girls aren’t really characters but more like characters you would find in a stock photo you would find in Google Images. I’ve an image here and I want you to look at them and tell me who do you think they are and what’s their personality.  You can’t right, because it’s just a picture of some random girls you’ve never met and I’m saying the girls in this movie are as interesting as these ones in this photo.

When Slender Man finally shows up now they’re just one-dimensional characters that act like screaming lunatics who are on acid trips. For the whole movie, as these characters learn more about the mysterious Slender Man, I became less and less interested in what they were doing to the point where I could’ve probably fallen asleep and woken up feeling like I never missed a thing. At least with movies like Truth or Dare or Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom the thing that kept me going in those movies was the anticipation of when the characters I hated were going die. In this one I couldn’t care less what happened to them and the ones that do die all get really lame deaths which I’ll get more into in a bit. Okay, let’s move onto the star himself.

Blender Lender Man Makes Absolutely No Goddam Sense!: So the girls discover Slender Man on a forum page where you can perform a ritual to summon the Slender Man and they do it for laughs. Firstly who put this video there and how did they know that if you did this ritual you could summon Slender Man? We learn that the Slender Man is a mysterious thing that takes children and that’s it. We soon know how he deals with his victims by either killing them, giving them acid trips, he can make some want to commit suicide and he makes others go insane. Why does he do all of this? I’ve no clue! Why does he kill some and make others go insane? Why does he kidnap some of them? Does he eat them, does he put them on his wall to admire or does he use them to run his iron so he iron his suit? (I’m pulling my hair out over here MOVIE!)

We also learn that if you look at him you’ll go mad or be killed by him. Okay, that still makes no sense but just gets more confusing??? Later in the movie one of the girls chats online with someone who seems to know the Slender Man and I was shocked to find out that they never resolve who this person is. Who was this person?  A victim of the Slender Man who is somehow still alive or is this the Slender Man himself???????? Lastly what is the Slender Man? Seriously what is it, what does it want, where did it come from, what can it do and why is it called Slender Man?

I Would Watch You In The Night If I Had Eyes, I Would Smell You As You Spray Your Deodorant If I Had A Nose, I Would Compliment You On Your Outfit If I Had A Mouth and Finally I Would Gleefully Listen To Your Scream As I Kill You If I Had Any Ears.

I know in these types of shows that if they explain everything then it would kind of ruin the mystery and intrigue of the creature. But what I’m trying to say is we need to know something about the creature. For an example I’ll use Pennywise from It, he’s a creature that shows up every 27 years to feed on children and he attracts them by showing up as their worst fears. The only way the main characters stop him is by bonding together and showing It they’re not afraid of him. The backstory we get of Pennywise is just enough to make him more interesting. Back to Slender Man and he shows up when you watch a video, he’s basically unstoppable and we don’t know anything about him besides he has killed thousands of children and we don’t see him kill any of these kids, unlike in It.

Slender Man is boring. He’s a character that looks good in a photo but once you learn a little more about him you realise there is not much to him except he’s looks scary and you’re supposed to wet yourself whenever you see him.

Try Not To Moan Challenge: This is one of the least scary movies I’ve seen all year. Slender Man mostly takes place in dark rooms and one of the earlier spookier scenes in the movie I was distracted because this scene is supposed to take place at night and yet it clearly looks like it’s the middle of the day. When Slender Man shows up I was going to praise the movie for not using any jump scares but I jinxed myself and got 5 of them in the next couple of minutes. Whenever these happened I was already prepared that half of these are all fake-outs because it was extremely obvious, no subtlety required. The scenes where Slender Man was involved are the worst because of the bad music in the background, terrible camera work and the CGI monster that looks absolutely awful.

The scary scenes here never made me feel a thing. I know I’m pretty hard to scare but I’m not alone on this one because some young girls a few rows below me were laughing at some of these scenes. I couldn’t bring myself to do that because I was more interested in how long the movie had left because it felt like I’d been watching for a decade.

Oh My God! Rotten Tomatoes Only Gave Us an 8%! And our IMDb score isn’t any better.

Final Thoughts: Before I tell you my score I’ll give you my positives because I do have a few:

  • The first quarter is okay
  • The acting is okay
  • That girl from The Kissing Booth was okay
  • The trailers I saw before the movie looked better than this one
  • When the movie was over I was happy but then I felt miserable after I left.

This movie is so bleak that I felt very down after seeing it. Slender Man (2018) is a movie that killed my complete interest in this character and his mythos. I think my time would’ve been better spent if I had watched the grass grow or watched a snail compete in a 50km race or even if I’d been dumped in a sewer and been expected to clean the entire sewer system with only a toothbrush and a bar of soap.

You’ve already guessed what the score is going to be. A big fat 1/10! Don’t go to watch this movie for fun unless you like being bored to death. Like all internet memes they should die and be forgotten about after they’ve reached their peak.

Until Next Time, I’m The Blog Complainer, Signing Out.

Cameron Black

I review stuff and hate on everything you ever loved. But I’m still a super nice guy and make pretty entertaining content.

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Damon

    I remember when back in 2012 You tubers such as Pewdiepie, Markiplier and Smosh played Slender and they were so terrified by it. I first played it when I was 12 and I was crying after watching Pewdiepie play it. Few years later I was playing it again and I completed it. Such a great game. If you are looking for lore on Slender there are whole wikis on that man.

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