I’m not going to recap what happened last time so here’s the short version: https://theblogcomplainer.com/2018/08/18/insatiable-part-1-an-amazingly-awful-show/. Okay, now that’s out of the way, let’s continue where we left off.
Episode 5 is where the television format starts to crumble beneath its own fat weight. On Shen-nani Cam?? Patty posted a picture of Dixie’s blurred out underpants and apparently it’s the talk of the town because, what else is there to talk about? Patty says she had nothing to do with it and believes she has been hacked. Also in the same scene Nonnie and Clerk finally break the ice because in the two episodes where they had brief conversations they had built some real rich chemistry. At school Winner Bob’s daughter Magnolia finds out what her boyfriend has been up to. To the ladies reading this, if you want to teach your partner a lesson for messing with you than just give them a nice uppercut to the groin and then walk away with your hands up to show them who’s boss.
Meanwhile Loser Bob is mad because his wife left him and because of this he breaks up with Krabby Patty, breaking all ties. She is on her own and I would say this is the low point in the story but remember this is only 5/12 so you couldn’t really call it the midpoint fallout. So the plot kicks off when Magnolia suggest Patty can repair her name by hosting a bikini dog wash for the people with eating disorders so they can watch the super perfect plastic dolls wash their dogs. (In bikinis mind you!) Nonnie is jealous that Krabby Patty is doing better than her, Clerk suggests that might have something to do with Nonnie been sexually attracted to her, which I’m glad someone finally picked up on, but too bad none of these characters picked up on the fake nude photo. (You can clearly see she has knickers on, You Dumb Shenanis!)
Krabby Patty turns to nerds to help with her hacker because only dorky creepy nerds know how computers work. But luckily we see the return of Teen Wolf and he will help her for a price. Meanwhile Bob realises he has a son and he has to support him and love him because how many parents do you know doing that nonsense. As the episode goes on we find out Teen Wolf was useless and they find out who the hacker is on their own. They find out Regina had her cellmate put on a supposed nude photo of her daughter on Krabby Patty’s Shenani Cam account just so she would be banned from the competition that she can’t participate in. I would normally say this is dumb and stupid but all I’m going to say is, where the hell did they get that flip phone from!!! So the plot of this episode is caused because the idiot prison guards let a crazy woman bring a flip phone into a highly secure prison. Amateurs.
The episode ends on the bikini charity event for the people ashamed of their bodies and Patty is one of them. She shares a scene with a trans where they discuss their body image so the trans can feel offended with the fatties because this show goes out of their way to shame them apparently. We end the episode on another epic cliff-hanger because we need something relevant that will affect the whole story, not just the episode. Patty and Brick kiss while Nonnie and Magnolia watch from a distance because watching people kiss from a distance is another clichéd soap opera gimmick.
We’re half-way now and it’s not time yet for Miss Magic Jesus so what can our characters do while we wait for this landmark episode? Oh, I know, you need to be baptised to be in Miss Magic Jesus and Patty isn’t baptised and we’ll just make an excuse like we did in the hacking episode so we can keep the show going. If you want filler for your 12 episode long season and you’re already out of ideas then just copy this episode. The last one was pretty bad but this one takes the cake. So the minister tells Krabby Patty and Loser Bob that they both have to do an act of kindness to be baptised because this local pageant show is for saints only. You know Father maybe you’ll be better off making a show about who is the biggest goody two shoes, go searching for some local girl scouts or women fighting for political act or some brave women who put their lives on the line instead of America’s Next Top Model, where all of the contestants couldn’t give damn about what their title represents! I think you’ll have better luck with finding the perfect Little Miss Magic Jesus if you want to find someone that holy.
Oh yeah, I forgot, this Pastor can read minds because if I can accept a prison allowing flip phones in prison cells than that means I can accept Pastors that read minds, it’s just common sense. Krabby Patty’s plan is to get Teen Wolf to hook up with Magnolia so she can be baptised because that right there is what I call a selfless act. But Teen Wolf will act very creepy and it’ll be completely looked over because he’s hot. Meanwhile Bob needs to bond more with his son so he decides to ask his son’s wrestling couch how wrestling works. But instead of being given a rule book or allowed to watch some wrestling matches while being mentored by the coach but instead we get more hot Bob on Bob wrestling action which is what the show thinks we need more of. (But it works for the story so I can forgive it. Hey stop looking at me funny!)
Brick and Patty breakup because Bob caught them making out and again Patty hears one line of dialogue from Bob and she goes “Oh, I don’t love you anymore, bye.” Meanwhile Nonnie meets a purple lipped woman who wants to be more than her friend but she’s already having a hard time fighting her desire for her other love. Krabby Patty goes over to Teen Wolf and then gets a text from Brick that he loves her. Oh my gosh, these love triangles are so compelling! It’s the big match that wasn’t building up at all, Dallas Roberts brings out his gayish moves for his son’s big game, two people that have no chemistry make out simply because we’re hot and we can. Nonnie finally breaks out. Her scene with Patty is actually quite okay. The actresses for Nonnie and Patty do a pretty job in this scene and it does a good job at showing the recurring theme of the episode that Krabby Patty is looking out for number one. But I think the lesbian kiss was a bit of a push over to ruin a pretty powerful scene.
Bob doesn’t have much love when his son disses him again and I wish I was the guy that sprained his precious leg. Next day Krabby Patty and Loser Bob are finally allowed to get baptised because they passed the Mind Reader’s Sin Sensor Test. As Patty is being dunked into the pool her Sunday morning outfit magically turns into a bikini and then a talking donut tells her to be more selfish than selfless. She reappears again as a bikini babe (ignore the first dunk ever happened) and she has her eye on Teen Wolf. The episode ends with two people being naughty on a secret camera. Ooooh Snap! (So What was the point of that episode to be more selfless, then to become more selfish when I’ve done my selfless act. I better not think too far into it because I might change my mind about my love for the show.)
Miss Magic Jesus is finally here and we start off with more filler. Hooray! Handsome Bob shows Loser Bob he has footage of Krabby Patty and Teen Wolf doing under aged activities because I’m guessing they’re still 16. Even though Loser Bob didn’t watch the whole video he knows it’s a sex tape and squeals at Patty and Wolfie. It’s at this moment I just remembered 3 episodes ago Patty was all head over heels for Bob and I’m guessing I’m supposed to forget that too like the point of the whole show. Patty continues to complain about being a virgin but Bob figures out if she hasn’t had sex before then that means she never had sex. Brilliant, if only I watched that whole video to figure that out for myself thus sparing the audience from this scene. This plot line is completely resolved when they tell the strict rule maker what happened and he goes ‘oh what the hell, the show would literally be unable to go on if I kick you out of the contest’.
Another pointless plot line is kicked off when Stella Rose returns as a judge and adds a new rule that the contestants need to complete a Bible Quiz because why not, I’m invested by this point. Later Bob and Stella Rose catch up and since Stella Rose is old and forgetful Bob discovers that her student Roxy is actually her daughter which makes Bob go, ‘Wait, Am I?’ Meanwhile Patty can’t answer bible questions with her brain so she calls her ex friend to help which her friend rightly rejects because she is on a date but my big worry is why did you accept her call to begin with. So Creep Wolf is her replacement and since he’s so edgy and cool he goes ‘Hey babe, we could just steal the answers and then totally make out right after because we’re both hot and we can get away with that crap.’ Then Bob shows up to tell her he needs to go and find his possible daughter so he abandons Patty which is more selfish than making out with a guy right after your baptism. If it wasn’t for his hilarious over-the-top acting than he would take the ticket for worst character on this show.
There is other stuff with Handsome Bob looking after his drunk daughter, Patty’s Mum continuing to remind us she has been with a lot guys in her youth and Bob has set-up a DNA test but finally at the 30 minute mark the show has finally started with a musical number for some reason. After that Roxy continues to tease both Patty and Bob then there’s the bible quiz where the only finalists are characters we know and there is only a scoreboard for Patty and Magnolia because they’re important and the others aren’t. Then we get another heartfelt speech from Patty, I would’ve cried if I wasn’t so heartless so I didn’t, I thought it was a cheesy as the other speeches. Anyway Magnolia won because her father was nice enough to cheat for her and Patty’s speech was too cheesy to take seriously.
Patty is very Krabby and leaves Bob to run away with Teen Wolf. Meanwhile Bob finds out that Roxy is the other Bob’s father which is such a shock, if my font makes it dramatic enough. Handsome Bob makes a deal with Loser Bob to keep his affair a secret in return he’ll tell the Pastor that he cheated which I’ve got to say is such a nice change to see this attention hog finally on Loser Bob’s knees. But then we have more eavesdropping going on when Magnolia overdoses after learning her dad’s secret but I’m not really sure what to think of Dixie’s hidden smirk. The End just click on the next episode to find out what happens next.
Ep 8 has Krabby Patty and Teen Wolf going at it but not at it too much so they can keep the mature rating. Wolfie said a line and Patty wants out. We catch Bob doing…ummm? (If I find the picture I’ll let you interpret what you think.) But anyway Bob tells Patty she needs to come home to claim the title before Dixie. But before Patty decides what do to we need the title card to show up because we know Patty has no idea what she wants. To keep the tension going Dixie explains her character to Handsome Bob because everyone loves it when a movie or show can’t do the show don’t tell rule. Anyway Patty arrives, she wins the crown and it’s posted all over Shenani Cam.
Two weeks have passed and nothing interesting has happened because if there was we would’ve seen it. The plot kicks off when we find out Clerk guy and his dad stopped working at a gas station and moved to the Taco Bell knock-off. So then Clerk guy and Patty’s mum can work at the same place and they’ve already trashed the gas station set months ago so this works perfectly. Patty and Bob make a slideshow in the span 5 seconds on how they can sponsor The Taco shop’s grand opening. To add some drama to a show with no drama at the moment Patty is pregnant and doesn’t know how she is pregnant, she just is. Next day the show decides to bring Coralee back because we’ve all missed her so much. The reason she is back is because Bob’s father had a stroke and which I thought was his first appearance on the show but it wasn’t until I rewatched it for this review that this guy appeared briefly in the first episode.
Anyway since we’ve all missed Patty and Nonnie being friends the show decides they need to hook-up again because that makes complete sense for Nonnie’s character. Patty has more scenes of discussing what she should do and we get more scenes of sexual tension between the two Bobs. I swear at this point Handsome Bob’s only purpose on the show is for all these unintentional gay scenes. Later that night Bob tries to woo Coralee but ended up just talking about Bob’s ex. Next day they’re all happy and lovey dovey until Bob acts like a spoiled child. Bob has his hissy fit and leaves Coralee because she cheated on him and I can’t believe he still doesn’t see the irony here.
The Pastor decides to strip Patty of her crown because she is pregnant and apparently that’s a part of the Miss Magic Jesus rules too. Teen Wolf returns and acts like a lurk. (I got sick of saying creep, sorry.) Patty ends up in hospital and we find out she wasn’t pregnant at all but instead has a Teratoma, which I just looked up and it’s a tumour that is mostly found in the ovaries of a woman or the testicles of a man and even babies can catch this before birth. But don’t worry this show can’t afford to have Patty have surgery so instead they say it’s a mutant baby inside her and everyone happily goes along with that. We find out she created it by all those narrating rants she has and since she doesn’t need surgery right away they can move on and forget that this plot line ever happened.
At the Taco party the Pastor tells Patty that the reason why she has some darkness in her is not because she wants all her bullies to suffer and die a miserable death but because her mutant baby is actually a demon. Seriously show, I can’t do this anymore, you’re stretching my believability to the limit. Handsome Bob stalks Loser Bob in a bathroom and tells him that he’s his boss now. Bob throws a punch and we finally see these two duke it out. While at the same time Patty and Dixie duke it out, like my gosh this show is so amazing, I….I….I…Sorry I was talking positive for a moment. Then we get a twist so unexpected that not even I predicted it. Bob and Bob make out because Handsome Bob is actually in love with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That kiss was so amazing so incredible so perfect and to top it all off after Dixie bites Patty hot Edward style Patty pushes her off and then she dies and we discover that indeed that she has a literal demon inside her…. This my favourite show ever and it just gets better from here my lovely beautiful people heeh-MMHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!!!
Just like this twist you couldn’t see coming!!!!! Yes it is I, your saviour of all nega-ga-ga-gaaaaa-gattivy The Anti Blog Complainer! I’ve been writing this entire review and I wanted to make a plot twist for you all because you all thought I was gone but now I’m back baby and the hater is dead…tired. MMMHHHHAAAAAA! And now that I don’t have to talk bad about one of my favourite shows in recent memory, Part 3 of this review will be negativity free, so I’ll see you beautiful people soon. Here comes the imaginary kiss. Mwah.
To Be Concluded…
Link to Part 3: https://theblogcomplainer.com/2018/09/06/insatiable-part-3-this-show-has-lost-its-mind/