Do any of you like Dinosaurs?
Did you lose your mind over the original Jurassic Park?
Did you hate the sequels?
But were you excited for Jurassic World?
And wasn’t it underwhelming?
Then what were you expecting from this one!
Just saw the 5th Jurassic Park and I think I’m done with the franchise. Pirates of The Caribbean or Terminator have shown us that by the 5th movie in a popular franchise it normally means it’s time to put it down like it’s an old sick dog. We don’t want it to die because we had good times with it but it needs to go because it’s sick and tired. But with the current gross it’s currently getting and it’s already planning a sequel in three years’ time our little Dinosaur Puppy will keep leaping for a little while longer.
The History: Basing it off his movie Westworld in 1990 Michael Crichton wrote Jurassic Park and it was about man messing with nature and causing a chaos theory. Ask Ian Malcolm if you don’t know what Chaos Theory is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cVLUPwrSmU. But anyway Steven Spielberg immediately got Crichton to help him make a movie with the same title. In 1993 Spielberg’s adaptation of the book came out and everyone loved it. It was about some guy with a vision to make a dinosaur theme park where we join our likable heroes as they watch in awe at the impressive looking dinosaurs that people still obsess over to this day.
But things go wrong when Dennis Nedry endangers everyone for Dino samples and lets the dinosaurs loose to kill everyone. In 1997 after Crichton had already made the book on it Spielberg released The Lost World where lovable Ian Malcolm ends up on an island full of dinosaurs again. But this time he has to rescue them from evil British guys who want to put them in a zoo. But thanks to Malcolm a dinosaur escapes into San Diego and kills a bunch of people. Jurassic Park III came out in 2001 and it had some kid who wanted to steal raptor eggs but dies horribly. (Oh wait, he makes it!) The movie sucked and there were no more Jurassic Park movies for 14 years.
Here we are in 2015 and Jurassic World is about some guy who ripped off someone else’s vision to make a dinosaur theme park where we join our likable heroes looking at CGI dinosaurs. But things go wrong when a bunch of idiots make a super dinosaur and it kills everyone while trying to make money off military trained dinosaurs. Now we have Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom where lovable Owen Grady ends up on an island full of dinosaurs again. But he has to rescue them from evil American guys who want to make them into soldiers. But thanks to Owen a Super Raptor escapes and kills a bunch of terrorists. There is also a human clone with Dinosaur DNA. (God Damnit!)
Wishable Dino Bait: I seriously gave up on Jurassic Park since the 2nd movie and it’s a franchise that needs to die. All the events in this movie wouldn’t have happened if anyone had a brain. Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) is the most frustrating character I’ve seen a movie. She basically does what the plot says and nothing else and her actions to save the dinosaurs don’t make much sense. She’s has no character besides being in a relationship with Owen (Chris Pratt). Owen basically has the same personality as Star Lord but with no development and was awkwardly thrown into this movie.
Everyone else I wanted to see get eaten by dinosaurs. There’s a comedic relief who isn’t funny and my favorite scene with him is when he’s about to be eaten by dinosaurs. There’s an old guy who’s just inserted into the history of this franchise and he was frustrating to watch. There’s a clichéd mercenary guy who is too cartoony to take seriously, especially with his dino teeth addition. Jeff Goldblum is in it for no reason besides fan service. There’s an evil business man… You know what? All these characters are not characters but “types” and they’re poorly written like the rest of the movie.
The Stupidest Movie of The Year: This movie is just dumb. For starters I don’t remember there been a volcano on the island and it’s active. Why would you build a theme park next to an active volcano! Next thing, these guys want to take a velociraptor and they choose to go after it right near the time when the volcano’s about to erupt. They had three years to prepare and could have saved time and lives. Next why do they need Owen again or Claire? They could’ve done it themselves. There are tons of moments in this movie that made me question why I was watching this movie, especially since the trailer gave half the movie away and it’s the same as the last 4 movies!
Later on in the movie they show off the Super Raptor thing and it’s not surprising to me because I’ve seen 7 trailers of this over the course of 3 months. I remember the super T-Rex was kept hidden for the Jurassic World trailers. Speaking of the T-Rex it’s also fan-service. The scene with the T-Rex standing over a dead dinosaur next to the erupting volcano is so cheesy and dumb. I’ve got more to say on this topic but I’ve been saving someone special for last.
That Stupid Dinosaur Girl: My least favorite character in the movie who I love seeing potentially eaten in the trailer I wished died in the movie. This character is the most important character in the movie and also the biggest idiot in the movie who has no real purpose in the movie but to be a walking talking plot device. I call it characters on rails. A Character on rails is a character who is boring, doesn’t do anything but serves the plot and a character who acts like there on a train track to get from Point A to Point B. I hated her and the reveal that she’s the clone of the old guy’s daughter left me very confused. I’ve so many questions on it that I’m going to dub it Jurassic Park’s Jump the Shark Moment.
It also ended with this idiot letting all the dinosaurs free opening the possibility for sequels which sounds interesting but I think shouldn’t happen because this franchise should’ve ended with Dr. Grant, the kids, Dr. Slater, Ian Malcolm and John Hammond leaving the island and never looking back.
Final Thoughts: Just like Tag it’s a movie to put on in the background while you’re cleaning the gutter. I know I’ve been harsh but I really didn’t enjoy this one. I guess it’s a good popcorn flick to turn your brain off to and fall asleep in front of. But because of movies like this we continue to get below average movies that will be forgotten about until you find it again in the bargain bin. The movie is bad and it’s a 4/10. Not worth your time, bad CG, bad writing, bad characters and with some okay or good moments in between but that isn’t enough for me anymore.
Those are my thoughts on Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom so if you agree or disagree please let me know in the comments. If you can share it with your loved ones that would be great and If you haven’t noticed I’m a huge fan of movies, TV Shows & Video Games and I’m willing to suffer for my audience so let me know what I should review next. (Next will be the thing I keep mentioning so stay tuned.)
Thanks for reading this review and I’ll see you again in the next review.